I don’t know, but I’m so sorry.

don’t read this if you’re easily offended.

Taken from my journal on July 6th, 2016 shortly before the video about Philando Castile’s murder broke out.

It’s so easy to become desensitized to the news. I wanted to look at the news and pretend Alton Sterling’s death happened in some distant universe. I wanted to believe that no police officer would do such a thing. But that’s not reality. This was not right. Tamir Rice’s death was not right. Trayvon Martin’s death was not right (#RememberTheirNames). I’m scared I’m growing apathetic. I mean, what can I do? I have the freaking privilege where my parents didn’t have to have the ‘talk’ where they told me how to conduct myself in such a way that doesn’t risk my life around police officers. Anyways, I can post #BlackLivesMatter all I want, but to my African-American friends, I’m scared of begin one of those who pretend they know your struggles. I don’t, brother. I don’t, sister. But can I still be angry with you? This is not right. Racial profiling needs to cease. Police brutality needs to END. Like Dr. Jackson Avery…Jesse Williams said (and pissed off plenty of white folks), “Police somehow manage to de-escalate, disarm, and not kill white people every day.” If we were all created in the image of God, why aren’t we acting like it? Alton’s wife no longer has a spouse. Alton’s children no longer have a father. I’m trying to grasp this, but to my black brothers and sisters, please let me mourn with you.

I’m so sorry.

This isn’t right.

Black. Lives. Matter.

I’m numb. I’m living in a very conservative town this summer, and I don’t know what to say.

You can’t say it’s not about race.

You can’t continue to be color-blind.

It’s not helpful. Especially to the ones who are hurting.

You can’t challenge the video the girlfriend (who just lost her beloved) posted, saying she made it up when she took a courageous step by deciding to let the world know the atrocity that just happened and the pain that she’s feeling. You can’t say she made that shit up. Sorry for the language.

I don’t know.

Even as an outsider, I should not have to justify my anger.

I’m grateful Grace Midtown is holding a “spontaneous prayer night” tonight. If we are supposed to move from awareness towards advocacy and action, I think Grace Midtown has always set a good example.

Desmond Tutu once said, “If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor”.

I can’t do much, but friends – if you’re hurting, I’m hurting with you. I’m here.

If anyone knows what I can practically do, please let me know. I want to be productive.

I know the role of a LEO (law enforcement officer) is tough. I know most of them are phenomenal. If you’re a LEO and are reading this, please hear that I appreciate you. But I want to appreciate all of you. I saw something today that encouraged LEOs to speak out for the betterment of all LEOs. Hm.

Let justice flow down like a mighty river. Lord Jesus, come.

Michelle Higgins: “We do not want all people of color to go ‘scott-free’ from wrongdoing. I don’t want to see people of color never arrested for anything. ‘Oh, Black Lives Matter’ means black folks can kill everybody and steal stuff and we’re going to all go home and say, ‘Well, let ’em — because of slavery.’ That’s not what we want. That’s not what I want. What do we want? Justice. And what is justice? Justice means my baby boy, my baby girl will not be tried, condemed, sentenced and executed on the street. That is justice.”




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