inward / outward

[because people want me to write again – I tried; here goes nothing]

What do I want others to see when they see me?

beautiful.

hilarious.

kind.

caring.

intelligent.

lover of God, lover of man.

I keep asking myself this. What do I want others to see when they see me?

We have created an idol of humility.

Ironically, accountability sessions end up as a contest – who can be the most humble? Who can be the most like Jesus?

But shouldn’t I want to be more like Jesus?

I really do but immediately I start to empty myself until I think

of nothing

Because if I think

of nothing

my mind will be emptied, I won’t sin and ooh I will be more like Jesus right?

Didn’t Jesus create our thoughts though? If we’re not thinking, we’re not utilizing the minds that He has given us.

That can’t be humility.

What do I want others to see when they see me?

I drove to Lookout Mountain Hang Gliding today. My mind was anxious and I just needed a place to breathe. I hadn’t even shut my car doors before two cars pull up – a bunch of people from Covenant get out. 

I went one way, they went the other way. I thought to myself, “Okay, now’s the perfect time for me to pray and worship.”  But no matter how hard I tried to “reach God”, my thoughts kept getting cut off. I got distracted. I glanced at the non-existent sunset, the horizon. Isn’t this a super spiritual moment? God is going to give me some crazy, big revelation right? “OH, SHOW ME YOUR GLORY GOD!” Wait, I’m not Moses.

Moments pass by. They keep talking and taking pictures on the other side. I’m not feeling holier. Nope, not at all. 

Okay, maybe if I put on some music. Oh, let’s put on “King of My Heart” since I haven’t stopped listening to it all week. But not too loud, though. I don’t want to distract them!

“God, I pray that You’d ignite our love for You again……” No! Most of them start heading back to their cars, while one of them makes their way towards me. I move to turn the music up, but he runs to me. 

“I’m going to throw you off the mountain”

“Pssh. You wouldn’t dare.”

I want to say, “Look at me! Don’t you long for this deep spirituality?”

Pretty sure Jesus warned me against flattering myself like that.

What do I want others to see when they see me?

I think I want them to see that I am

good enough.

If I am good enough, I’ll be beautiful, hilarious, kind, caring, intelligent, lover of God, lover of man right? Every week I see someone on Facebook post about some friend who died. I check out their social media, and read their memorial pages. Mine better be long, or I didn’t really amount to anything. I don’t want to be forgotten.

It comes to who we see ourselves, and who we see God as. After the group of people left tonight, it really was a sweet time of worship. Those times really do and will rejuvenate me. I ended by putting on The Liturgists’ Garden and their meditation track. It was twenty minutes of me inhaling God’s love into every ounce of our being and exhaling, breathing that love out into the world. They also asked us to alternate that with repeating

My God loves me

while touching our thumb with each of our fingers.

Just praying, thinking about how God’s being so generous with loving me, thinking about how I can love, and repeating

My God loves me….

This is so #basic but I was filled again tonight. Filled with a renewed sense of sufficiency. Filled with a renewed sense of belonging, of place.

What do I want others to see when they see me?

I want them to see that God is outrageous in His love for me, but He is even more outrageous in His love for them.

I finally attended a normal service at Anglican Church of the Redeemer this morning. Before the Eucharist, we prayed this:

We do not presume to come to this thy Table, O merciful Lord, trusting in our own righteousness, but in thy manifold and great mercies. We are not worthy so much as to gather up the crumbs under thy Table. But thou art the same Lord, whose property is always to have mercy: Grant us therefore, gracious Lord, so to eat the flesh of thy dear Son Jesus Christ, and to drink his blood, that our sinful bodies may be made clean by his body, and our souls washed through his most precious blood, and that we may evermore dwell in him, and he in us. Amen.

I begged for the crumbs, but Yahweh granted me a seat at the Table and let me feast.

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