learning to be, instead to do, do, do

sorry if this doesn’t make sense

I don’t know about you, but I’ve heard a lot of sermons this year about Martha and Mary. 

Martha strived to do all these things for Jesus while Mary wanted to be with Jesus.

Sometimes what you think you are doing for Jesus is actually an idol – an hinderance from knowing and being with Jesus.

Yeah, I’ve heard this a lot this year. All it led to, without fail every single time, is me reminding myself: don’t be like Martha, Victoria. Be like Mary. 

However, all I want to do is do.

I want to please people. I want to be affirmed, to be congratulated, for people to say I did something right for once.

Isn’t that what we all want?

To not keep myself busy feels like I’m somehow neglecting my duty. To not lead is to feel like I’m slipping spiritually.

I had the most phenomenal time this summer doing SDP. Yet, it was 9 weeks of people investing in me much more than I investing in others. It felt abnormal. So often I caught myself evaluating my spiritual worth because I was being poured into much more than I poured into others. I wasn’t comfortable to enter into a season of receiving and refreshing. Sometimes I felt like I was the one making the least progress. Often I felt like I regressed. Perhaps my relationships from SDP could have been more meaningful if I wasn’t setting out to do, so, do nor prove, prove, prove. At the end of the summer, a leader wrote a note about how I receive so well.

I wish I had.

My inability to rest this summer spilled into the beginning of the transition to senior year. God was so gracious in how He provided for my roommate and I (we got a couch, beds, armchair, stools, bookshelf, dinner table, coffee table, desk for our apartment for free or nearly free), and I was so grateful! Yet, a sense of guilt overwhelmed me. Okay, Abba. You provided all these things. I need to make it up to You. I’m going to make this year the best one yet.

School brought with itself a whole new new set of worries. Would I decide on a topic for my senior thesis? Why can’t I memorize the stages of meiosis? How am I going to finish the Hayes book by September 16th? I began to spend at least 6 hours a day in the library. I drank way too much coffee. I was consistently overwhelmed. I’d consistently sleep for four or five hours. I’d soon have difficulty sleeping, that benadryl or melatonin couldn’t fix. I never have broke down as much as I have this semester.

I made the difficult decision to nix almost all leadership positions because I knew I couldn’t handle it. No being president of IJM. No attending diversity program. No attending Sabbath worship. No orientation team. 

Maybe that loss spilled into everything else. I couldn’t handle not pouring into others.  I couldn’t handle  letting people love me.

That season of rest and refreshing wasn’t meant to end this summer.

The crazy thing is? I’m meant to be still in the same season right now, in the midst of this insane year. My season hasn’t changed, not quite yet.

I can tell myself to find my rest in God, but what good is that if in reality God is just a crutch to get through? I can raise my hands in chapel, but what good is that if I don’t experience the same freedom while writing my senior thesis?

The world wants me to do, but Abba wants me to be. And rest and receive. To be poured into instead of pouring out. To be loved. 

I have a Spotify playlist right now that’s called “Soaking in how good Papa is”.

That’s what my days have been consisting of lately. 

Being immersed in the presence of God changes my reality.

When I’m excited, I soak. 

When I’m having a good day, I soak.

When I’m overwhelmed, I soak even more.

I wish I could fall asleep effortlessly though.

The more I seek you,
The more I find you
The more I find you, the more I love you

I wanna sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath, feel your heart beat
This love is so deep, it’s more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it’s overwhelming

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