hands wide open

A lil more personal –

I’ve been breathing extra hard lately. Well, I force myself to breathe, and to breathe often. I don’t know if it’s the foggy mountain or my own apprehension towards looming graduation and unemployment, but I’m experiencing heightened emotion that I normally am able to block out pretty well. I’ve always struggled with depression, but this year I made a new friend called anxiety. Both spills over to my schoolwork. It takes much longer to get out of bed. I’ve been biking outside more, which helps, but yet that also creates a window where my thoughts have free roam.  I have to remind myself in the library, “You can finish this assignment tonight. You’re gonna be okay. You can do this. Look at all these people that are for you?” But it still takes me 5 hours to do an 1 hour assignment because I’m too caught up in thought and worry.

Even in my introvertedness, my greatest fear is that no one knows me and that I will have nothing after graduation. Yes, I know a lot of people, but they are all surface friendships. I regret not making closer friendships in the past 4 years, of not being more vulnerable in person or going up to someone and asking them to pour into my life. So I’m scared. I want to have real friendships, not only to be used by people when they need something, or to be known as the girl who knows everyone or the girl who the chaplain talked about. I want to be known and valued. 

I have value in Christ, but even the psalmists lamented and cried out to God in despair. In the black sheep psalm or something like that, it’s the only psalm to not end in hopefulness, with it seeming that God had not responded. I know that God is for me, but I just have so many questions right now.

And I’ve also thought a lot more about Christians and mental health. Praise God that I know that to struggle with anxiety and/or depression and/or everything else is not to say that I don’t have enough faith or that I have unresolute sin in my life.

I guess in this late night ramblings, my request that you give me extra grace jn the last few weeks. To reassure that I’ll be okay when I groan really loudly in the library. Because I really just want to scream for a good hour. And I’m putting my number here (404-993-1598) because lies of loneliness seem to follow me and I know that’s not true but I need to believe it. So just text me encouragement. I cherish those encouragements.

I need to breathe.

I’m so scared about May 7th and following, guys. I’m so scared.

I love this lil thing I heard from Jason Upton though:

I don’t give hope any chances, so why do I give fear more chances?

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