Speaking life to myself

Self-care involves being that cheerleader that is too overly excited, but that’s who I have to be to myself.

I have to encourage myself to keep pressing on.

I have to be my biggest fan on each little victory.

I have to be my own soccer mom in each disappointment, reminding myself that I will still be okay. 

I have to not let my messups shame me.

I have to fight for my own joy. 

I have to constantly speak life to myself instead of waiting for someone to do it for me.

but silly satan, you really don’t have a grip on me.

So even in this season, I want to look like Jesus.

The word that God gave me about this past year and a half was to be brave but now I think it’s also peace. As I find myself in a never-ending storm, have I not forgotten that Jesus stilled the storms? 

My biggest fear in sharing about what’s going on is that I’m sharing too much. Growing up at an old church, we had winter and summer youth retreats. Always powerful (and ripe for spiritual highs), the final night would always undoubetly end with one youth sharing a deep, dark sin in front of 150 kids and counselors + every other youth going up to the mic + tears everywhere + everyone getting into the subsequent late night worship session + post retreat short-lived spiritual high with no accountability + fall back into sin + repeat at next retreat.

Note: if you’re in youth ministry, do your best to avoid this. This is more dangerous than inspiring.

Anyways, I would share at these retreats about depression or hating my parents. One year, at a spring break mission trip, two girls confronted me about making it up and didn’t leave me until I confessed to sharing out of attention. But I didn’t share for attention. I shared because I recgonized the people there as the Body who would be there with me and suffer with me. But no one followed up with me. I’m fine about that in retrospect, but since then I’ve skirmed from sharing too much about my personal life because I’m afraid of being wrongfully accused.

I need to overcome my fear about the Body of Christ being ingenuine.

But for now, I have to fight for my own victory and strength, but I need to also trust the Church again. 

At a worship night tonight, the pastor invited all who were able to kneel in the presence of the Lord.

I’m like a child again. Believing that the joys of being a daughter of God exceeds my expectations. Stepping out in faith. One foot out, only nuding the other foot forward because God told me that He would catch me if I fall.

I want to always be in that presence, even when I’m feeling low and my heart is weak  

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