a dimly lit path

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I’m walking along a dimly lit path, struggling to reach the end. With every step I take, I muster to conserve the remaining energy that I have left.

Thoughts wheeze around my head. If I could visualize these thoughts, it’d be a whole lot of Anger, Disgust, Fear, and Sadness.

But, Lord, this is so hard.

Damn it, God, can there be another way?

Somehow, I am reminded of the Bible verses and mantras that my mind has not forgotten.

Consider it pure joy…

But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded…

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God…

No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame…

My knees hit the ground.

I whisper. No, I shriek.

I know, oh Lord! But it’s so hard! 

Why can’t you take away the demons from me? 

When can I feel true rest?

I can’t feel joy right now.

What am I?

They don’t know what they’re saying.

I hear a Whisper! — the Voice is sometimes unknown to me, when I let It join all the other voices I hear.

But this time I hear It clearly. The words, as short as they are, are so sweet — so calm — so healing.

“Child, your identity is in Me. Not in what others say you ought to be. Not in how the world thinks of you. I deign you Beloved.”

But that was it. No life jacket, portal, or rope that magically appears. The voice was it.

My demons expected me to give up, even after hearing the whisper.

You can’t possibly expect to keep walking along this dimly lit path. You’re too weak.

I force myself to, again, think of the Bible verses and mantras that my mind has not forgotten.

With quivering hesitation but even more unexpected boldness, I ignore the demons.

I don’t want to keep walking along this dimly lit path, but I pick myself up from the floor, renew my faith in God, and continue

knowing full-well that I am crazy, because I have no strength

but, wait, my strength has been replenished?

By the Giver of life. Who does give all good things.

And so I press on, along the dimly lit path…

learning what it means to follow Jesus faithfully, not ignoring, but fully embracing my humanity..

but also resting, knowing I am Beloved…

Abba’s child.

Even if I’m walking along the dimly lit path.

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