fear is a liar

Let’s get some things out of the way: yes, I did not get hired at UPS; yes, I am furiously job searching while simultaneously wondering whether I should just work at ALDI for the rest of my life; no, I haven’t gotten any offers; yes, I have watched {a certain movie} 5 times with my moviepass and have loved all 410 minutes of it. yes, I realize it’s not wise to have a moviepass when you’re unemployed.

What does bravery look like for you? For me these days, being brave looks like returning recruiters’ calls even when you are terrified of talking to them. Yes, I have ditched an interview or three because I’ve been overcome by fear. (I also have had interviews that I’ve participated in as well, don’t worry.)

Hopefully my parents don’t know that I have a blog.

according to total depravity, i am DEAD without the redeeming work of Christ – I, however, need to remember that my adoption into God’s family makes me worthy. I’m not the one to automatically decide that I am already unqualified for the position, and should just give up all together. I’m not the one to decide that my English is too broken for the workplace.

Lately, I’ve sort of avoided participating in discussions, or rather – any conversation that is deeper than the surface-level ‘how are you’s.

Yes, it sounds ridiculous for you, but

these days I am terrified once again of my speech

&

these days I am terrified once again of speaking.

I think that’s what rejection and uncertainty does to you sometimes.

This uncertainty has seeped into other areas of my life. My mind is flooded by all the ‘what-ifs’:

what if you had done better in microeconomics and macroeconomics?

what if you had studied more?

what if you had studied for the GRE and applied to grad school?

what if you hadn’t just focused on your senior thesis, but worked just as hard job searching as you are currently?

what if you had found a constant friend, or two, growing up?

what if you majored in compsci, economics, or business?

what if you hadn’t moved back home, but stayed in chattanooga all along?

Yeah – you can tell that I’ve been thinking a lot these days. I mean, I have time to, ya know?

Here comes the cheesy part: God doesn’t spend his time thinking about ‘what-ifs’. Instead, I think He sees exactly where we are going and who we are becoming, and He is cheering us on for the season that He has for us next.

So what if I started thinking in terms of ‘look what Yahweh has done?’, both for now and the road ahead:

Look what Yahweh has done! He allowed me to finish one of the hardest majors at Covenant, while double-minoring as well.

Look what Yahweh has done! He gave me experience interning at in-house PR at a leading Fortune 50 company.

Look what Yahweh has done! He led me to a wacky, opinionated, bold, and thoughtful group of Jesus-followers that I am learning to feel at home with.

Look what Yahweh has done! He has never allowed my speech to be a detriment, and He never will.

“Vicky, do you feel better now?” I do. Thanks for indulging me.

I had the immense privilege of hearing Annie F. Downs speak last night on perservance (in the midst of suffering). She dropped so many bombs, but she in particular asked: what if Jesus had quit in the garden when he was praying? He knew that he was about to suffer the worst death possible (at that time), so what if he had given up and not allowed himself to be arrested, tried, and hung on the cross? Yeah, our lives would be, uh, non-existent.

Even though I am dirt-poor, I couldn’t resist and bought her newest book, which I didn’t realize was a devotional until after I bought it. Whoops. It’s called 100 Days of Brave and day 1 included the following truth bomb:

Brave people don’t stop hearing the whispers of fear. They hear the whispers but take action anyway.

This season is TERRIFYING, and it is so easy for me to be paralyzed by fear in the midst of this uncertainty. But God is challenging me to come out of hiding – to keep going anyway. Even if I sleep every night begging God to do an opposite of that Click movie and transport me back anytime between August 23, 2013 and May 6, 2017. And anyways, no one’s going to speak for me in my place, so it’s up to me! Can’t exactly drag Chuck Schumer to a job interview in my place, now can I?

So if you see me and I’m stuttering and spluttering more than I usually do?: be gracious with me! I’m slowly challenging the grip that fear has on my life.

yes I literally just wrote this to preach to myself, sorry for everyone reading this.

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